Nearly five years ago I posted about a wonderful idea for an adventure with my then six year old son. We would take a large portion of the summer to travel slowly down to Texas(where I grew up) and back again. I had all the intentions of posting weekly about our adventures and it being a type of diary of that trip if nothing else.

Here is what really happened though. The more I started planning that trip and then the first day of the journey came, I realized what the trip actually was for me. It was a chance, the last one, to go and say goodbye to my dad. My dad’s health had been on the decline for many years and visiting him or really having any relationship with him had been complicated for even longer by his wife. All of this hit me when that first bit of empty road with nothing but hills for miles stretched out before me. I felt it in my gut and my trip suddenly became so much more than I had designed. It became a slow crawl towards a goodbye. It became miles and days of inner work and questions and anger mixed with the joy of discovering beauty and nature with a six year old Henry.

What I would love to do after all these years and so much processing(especially in the last two years) is really talk about this trip and my dad. I also want to share what it is like to spend six weeks on the road with a very insightful and inquisitive kid. Tomorrow marks the third anniversary of my dad’s passing and so this has felt like the time to finally start this project. Maybe some others will read this and find solace or maybe this is for me and my family. Either way I am ready to write.

I still miss my dad. I still struggle with all the complications of his loss and the lack of closure. I am still really mad at all that he did to hurt me. Grieving is hard.